Friday, February 11, 2011

Your Monthly Plothole-Because Nothing Flattens Your Story More Than a Plothole

First and foremost, I'm no expert; and I will never claim to be. I'm just beginning my literary journey and am not self-righteous enough to believe that my work is better than anyone else's--especially those who actually have had their books published (self-publishing doesn't count). I'm no grammar queen or literary genius.  When I go back over my work for revisions and editing, there are many times I find myself saying, "WTF were you thinking, Sara." Of course, to be fair I do my writing VERY late at night and I also work 40+ hour per week and am essentially a single mother of a four-year-old (the hubs is in the military).

However, with that being said, if it's one thing EVERY writer should be wary of it's plotholes.  Plotholes are these tricky little bastards that seem to crop-up whenever you think your novel is complete.  They're that bitch in high school who stole your boyfriend right from under your nose when you thought everthing was fine.  Yes, plotholes.  Those little discrepancies in your storyline that don't quite jive with the flow of the story or, in worst case scenarios, completely contradict the plot/sequence of events you've so nicely laid out.  Even the littlest of hole--for most of us---can sink an entire ship. 

Unless, of course, you're my first nominee.  With that said, it's time for my first ever monthly Plothole rant. And the lucky victim is--drum roll:


Plothole:  Vampires do not and/or cannot change.  That's why Edward Cullen never aged past 17; why girl vamps can't conceive; why Joan Rivers' face hasn't fallen off yet...oh wait, that's for an entirely different reason...In Breaking Dawn--SPOILER--Bella gets pregnant by--unless she's leading some secret life--Edward Cullen.  Edward Cullen is a vampire.  Female vampires can't ovulate because, as the book says, their bodies don't change.  So, does that mean that male vampires can continue to produce the swimmers necessary to impregnate a woman?  Last time I checked, a man's body needs to go through some sort of cycle to produce these bad boys (or girls)--correct me if I'm wrong anatomy wizards--and don't even get me started on the fact that blood flow is needed to make other  The mere fact that Bella was able to get pregnant was Breaking Dawn's "jumping the shark" moment for me and, in my opinion, a huge plothole contradicting several statements made throughout the series.  

Possible fixes:  Drop the whole our bodies don't change thing and let the female vamps get knocked up (I know Rosalie wouldn't have protested to this);  make their bodies change only...slowly; make Jacob the father (of course, that would detract from the later creepadelic plotline).

Of course, when your biggest fans are teenage girls who are so in love with a fictional character that they can't even see straight, then having a plothole the size of Texas is just a mere technicality. Today, I actually saw a poem by--I'm presuming she was young--girl.  The poem was entitled Edward Cullen and was filled with a monotony of depression-filled rants about how she will never be able to be with him or even touch him for that matter.  It made me want to find her, say "Aw honey, come here," take her in my arms, and SMACK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF HER!  Are you flippin' kidding me???!!!!!

Til next time and next plothole (which I'm sure will be something else from the Twilight saga).

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